His last day down was spent helping one of my roommates move in to his new apartment. We returned to Philadelphia around 11PM, picking up 40oz.'s on the way, which I knew would be a mistake. Upon our return home, a brief power struggle ensued over what film to rent on Demand (this is what qualifies as a struggle around here). We settled on "Last House on the Left" (2007)
The film is standard torture porn, coming about three to four years too late for the genre's one solid golden age, which ran from October 2004 to roughly January 2006, with the release of Hostel, after which point all bets were off for making a profit. My only reason for going along with "Last House on the Left" (hereafter LHL) was for an actor, my achilles heel in terms of watching crap movies. In this case, it was Garret Dillahunt. I was introduced to Mr. Dillahunt (hereafter GD) through the exceptional HBO western "Deadwood", on which GD played two different characters in two different seasons. The range of these characters varied from booze-soaked, legend killing, cross-eyed Jack McCall to gold prospecting, whore-killing geologist Francis Wolcott. He also showed up as Deputy "Sheriff! We just missed him!" Wendell in "No Country for Old Men." In LHL, he plays the leader of a family of psychos.
I immediately started drinking upon the start of the film (among other things). This sent me into a blur of film emotion, swinging from loving the film to hating it in as many minutes. The movie is basically "The Strangers" (2008) with far less subtlety. Everyone comes equipped with backstory, and the plot meanders obviously, with only drunken fools (I.E. myself) excepting the unexpected, trying to get action going in the betting world on how the film would end up, action that nobody took.
The film basically goes like this. GD is freed from custody of the police (both officers are graphically murdered) by his brother and girlfriend. Sadly, the talented Aaron "Breaking Bad" Paul shows up in the role of the brother. The action then shifts to a a vacationing family, the daughter of which is suckered into smoking weed with a friend of hers in the hotel room of a guy they meet at a food mart. Surprise! The kid is GD's son, and the psychos crash the stoner-fest when everyone is good and high. "This is what happens when you smoke weed," my stoned roommate told me as the scene was going on. The psychos proceed to force the girl and her friend to show them to the house that vacationing girl lives in, the titular last house on the left. GD rapes the girl on screen when she attempts to escape, kills the friend, and supposedly the girl as well. The psychos then proceed to the last house on the left to seek shelter.
Surprisingly enough, the daughter of the vacationing family survives, due to swimming skill we were introduced to earlier in the film. The parents find her after putting the psychos to bed, and the father, a doctor, discovers she was raped. The family then proceeds to kill the psychos, except for GD's son, because he was good, one by one. They were right to do it though, because they're girl was raped.
A lot of drunken foolishness occurred during this film. Numerous hilarious Garret Dillahunt faces were paused, and then pictures taken. Our screen was large enough, and we were sadly drunk enough, to take pictures that superimposed us into the action of the film, the most tasteful of which was me, pouring some 40 into Garret Dillahunt's mouth. The last 40 minutes of the film received the most heckling, with my director friend pointing out that "the alst half hour has been built on nothing but music and footsteps." The last scene of the film is a paralyzed Garret Dillahunt having his head exploded in a microwave.
There are numerous style jackings in this film, namely, "Pulp Fiction," "The Village," and "Ravenous." This was an exceptionally pointless film, designed only to entertain people who were in the state we were in. That's probably why the movie was a flop (henceforth always in this blog called a "brick"), most people don't drive to the movies drunk on 40 (although probably more than I would be comfortable with do)...
The next day, I woke up with a terrific hangover. I had decided to follow the 40 with four bottles of Guinness ( I just this moment popped the cap off one!). I was extremely sick all day, and slept off and on until 3:30PM, which is hugely unusual for me. I'm sure it was divine justice for the previous night's consumption of drugs and alcohol, not to mention the extremely tasteless jokes going on during certain scenes of "Last House on the Left." Needless to say, I did not run that day.
I have been running since (I.E. the past two days), but I need to find my motivation, quick. Running with a partner, one of my roommates, is helping.
I promise I have actual good movies to talk about, look for articles on "Deep Cover," "The Mummy," (1999) and "Tell No One," the last of which recently became a very important film for me. I discovered yesterday, after going over my records, that it was the last film I saw in the theatre with my mother.
I am going to leave you with my favorite quote from LHL night:
"Please tell me he smells it."
-C.M.
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